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It was a dark and stormy night…
I’ve always wanted to write that, but in our business it’s never a dark and stormy night. It’s either high noon or a full moon. The hair on the back of your neck stands up when the door opens. No, it’s not a rep without an appointment, it’s one of THESE patients.
The ENGINEER: He’s been wearing photogray glass executive trifocals for years. They’re in a Universal Cambridge because it has that top-bar for added structural support and cable temples so the frame never slips. The frame never slips because the weight of the lenses has allowed the nosepads to create permanent divots in his bridge, but don’t tell him that. He knows it’s the cable temples. He’s here to see you because his wife just loves the new no-line bifocals you fitted her with. Your eye starts to twitch and you’re hearing the soundtrack from “Jaws” from somewhere deep in the lab. He wants progressive lenses and his wife says you’re the only one to see. He wants progressive lenses that work exactly like his old lenses, just without the lines. Your eye has stopped twitching, because you can’t see out of it anymore. He wants photogray glass progressive lenses that work just like his execs in a frame that will last as long as that Cambridge he’s been wearing for fifteen years.
It’s gonna be a long day.
The FASHION MAVEN: She’s 4’11” and has her hair cut short enough to make the Marine Corps happy. It’s her “look.” She gets her frames from a friend on the West Coast who has “impeccable” taste. He’s been sending her frames since sometime in the 1970’s. They’re all 58 eyes with rhinestones and engraving. The bridge doesn’t come anywhere near her nose because the frame is so large and her head is so small. She wears progressive lenses with tinted lenses that must match the frame. You tell the lab to give you the best decentration and seg height they can and be close to what you order. It doesn’t really matter. She loves the frames so much that she makes herself see out of them. You pray silently that she never tells anyone who makes her glasses, just who gets her the frames.
You’re thinking that you might need a cocktail before dinner.
The DEMON SPAWN: He’s 10, the apple of his father’s eye. He plays “WrestleMania” in the backyard with his brothers. His parents are on a first name basis with the ER staff. You see him monthly, every time with a new and different way to destroy his glasses. His father doesn’t understand why eyeglass frames are so flimsy. You keep simplifying the definition of “normal wear and tear” but it’s still not simple enough. DS is picking his nose while his father is asking about contact lenses.
The word cocktail implies a mixed drink; you’re thinking that something “on the rocks” is a better option. It’s certainly quicker.
The RESEARCHER: He’s internet savvy and determined to get exactly what he wants for exactly the price he’s willing to pay. He’s spent hours, maybe days or weeks, searching the internet for information on the best possible lens solution for his vision. He’s comparison shopped all over the world via the net and, since “they’re all coming out of the same place anyway,” he’s not paying one penny more than he should. He wrote it all down and now he’s conducting his own little inquisition. He’s Torquemada and you’re the poor unsuspecting Optician who asked “How can I help you today?”
“On the rocks” means you have to use a glass. Right out of the bottle is even quicker.
…Things That Go BUMP in the Lab
You’re back in the lab. It’s your refuge on days like this. What could possibly go wrong here? There’s a little rumbling sound from somewhere near the old generator, but it’s probably just traffic outside.
You need to touch off a lens that’s just a tiny bit large, so you’re concentrating on keeping the bevel even when your co-worker decides that you need a pat on the back for working with the crazies out front. Now there’s no bevel on part of the lens. Dude!
There’s a pair of glasses on the bench waiting to be adjusted. “Just a minor adjustment” you’re told. Really? The frame gods never intended a temple to bend in that particular direction. Come on, you’ve done this before. All you need is the right combination of tools and your gentle touch. Voila! Now it’s in two pieces and it’s discontinued.
You’re warming a frame so that the new lenses can be mounted. You’re trying to find your “happy place” just to make it through the rest of the day. Your “happy place” smells funny…like a melting frame. Sigh. You’ve got another one in stock, but it’s the wrong color. Deeper sigh.
There’s a very LOUD noise over by the generator and then everything becomes deathly quiet. The quill on your trusty Coburn 113 is done. Forever. Nothing but finish work coming out of the lab today. All those red trays are gonna need a phone call. Can it get any worse? Of course it can. You just used your finger as a bench block and shoved the screwdriver all the way in.
You’re watching the clock tick closer and closer to the end of the day.
…and Why You Love This Job
The Engineer understands that no progressive lens is going to give him the same wide field of vision that those old execs did, but the benefits of a digitally surfaced progressive lens will eliminate those annoying image jumps he doesn’t like. Plus the high index Transitions lens with the glare reducing treatment will be so much more comfortable.
The Fashion Maven is thrilled with the newest addition to her eyeglass wardrobe and she can see everything just beautifully. You took a picture of her in a new smaller frame on her cell phone camera. Maybe, just maybe, she’ll get some compliments on that look and we can start over again.
The Demon Spawn thinks that a pair of black sports goggles just might give him the intimidating look that a world-class wrestler needs. His mother agrees.
The Researcher ran out of questions and was forced to listen to your recommendations. You found evidence in his research material to back up your choices. You explained the services and guarantees you provide free of charge that he can’t get from a guy on the internet.
You’re about to lock the door when a tiny figure appears in the glass. You’ve been making her eyeglasses since she was a toddler and today she needs new glasses for school pictures. She grabs you around the knees and says “please make me look pretty!”
You love this job.
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