POptical Art
“Good Opticians never die.
They just lose their S(p)EX Appeal.”
State of the Art
At the conclusion of the in-store
training session on a much anticipated new multi-focal lens
with a much-in-demand, wider intermediary channel, we were
informed of the price to the customer. One of my associates
in front of me leaned over to the dispenser sitting next to
him and said in a subdued voice, “They should call it the
“Mercedes Lenz.”
Theme Song
After a particularly hectic rush of
customers in the second busiest location in the state of a
Big Box mall optical store, all the frayed dispensers were
trying to regroup, when in the returning quiet, the overhead
music could once again be heard, an original rendition of
Tracey Chapman’s. As I am a subscriber to the idea that
there’s a theme song for every occasion, I poked my head
down to the slot used to push eyewear job trays back and
forth to the lab under the bullet-proof glass wall that
separated the lab from the retail area.
The Lab Manager was performing a final
inspection as I said to him, “Hey, Robert, What’s the
(insert store name) Associate Theme Song? His face went
blank as he stood poised with PD stick in one hand and a
pair of eyeglasses in the other. He shrugged and his
expression never changed as I replied, “Give Me One Reason
to Stay Here (& I’ll turn right back around).”
Case Study
My boss in a Mom and Pop independent
optician office was 5'6". I am 6' barefoot, 6'3"
in heels, which is where I towered over him from 9-5, M-F
for 5 years, altogether. Our customers and other workers in
the building never missed an opportunity to comment on these
disparities: Male/Female; Older/Younger, Handsome/Pretty;
More experienced/ Better at frame styling, etc. Being a
career optician, he relished unexpectedly dropping one of
his original observations on me, just when I thought I had
heard them all.
We had just received an annual shipment
of 1,000 assorted eyeglass cases, on which I had negotiated
an attractive volume discount. The boxes were tightly packed
and stacked on shelving in the lab and as I was retrieving
the desired box from the top shelf (well out of his reach),
arms fully extended upward, aided only by the heels of my
shoes, he said to me, "Want me to get you a piece of
paper to stand on?"
Stuck in the Middle with You
The afternoon rush was upon us in a
two-dispenser office, when a particularly needy customer
came in complaining her frames were still sliding down. It
was a hot summer day when she made this one of regular
weekly appearances. She always rode the bus, worked up a
sweat walking from the bus stop to the office and as her
hygiene was remiss, her complexion oily, I was always
reminded of the TV commercial of Andy Granatelli trying to
hold onto a screwdriver dipped into STP engine additive.
As I was cementing a pair of build-up
pads into the bridge of her frame with Super Glue I managed
to cement my left hand to the frame and the thumb and
forefinger of my right hand – together. I went down the
hall to the contact lens fitting room where my boss was
instructing a customer on lens insertion. I knocked with my
shoe. Although when he opened the door, my predicament
apparent without explanation, my sense of urgency compelled
me to demand, “I need you to help me - NOW!”
It took ten minutes altogether with a
paint brush and acetone to get free. The first few minutes
as he daubed my right thumb and forefinger, he could not
stop laughing. I was NOT amused. Using super glue when you’re
in a hurry? “Don’t try this at work.”
Look me in the Eye
An Optician explaining to his teacher
customer, who was on the faculty of a pretty rough
neighborhood school district, that he would be using the
Pupilometer to determine the location of the optical centers
for the new glasses - that it measures the distance between
the pupils prompted this question:
Teacher: “Can I get one of these for my
classroom?”
Optician: “Why?”
Teacher: “So I can check the distance
between my pupils.”
Getting the Short Stick
An optical shop began experiencing a rash
of complaints from customers about vision problems with
their new glasses - manifested symptoms were those created
by unwanted, induced prism. There was much investigation and
rechecking attempting to isolate the reason for this
mystery. The problem was finally solved when one optician
observed another who was stirring his coffee with his PD
stick. It had melted and shrunk on one end causing his PD
readings to be about 2 mm too narrow.
The Doctor is Not In
As a dispensing optician for ten years of
my working life, I performed free eyeglass frame adjustments
for all comers, whether they had purchased from my
establishments or not. Many took advantage, feeling good
about getting something for nothing, or at least more than
their money’s worth. I was particularly dismayed when they’d
bring in their visiting guests, relatives, friends and
neighbors, as Word of Mouth usually takes a long time to
produce bankable results. When they’d launch into their
problems, etc, totally non-related to the product we
supplied and supported, I felt like I was being used as a
“Discount Shrink.”
In the same manner that Lucy in the “Peanuts”
cartoon strip playing Psychologist/ Psychiatrist for her
peers, had the perspicacity to post her service fee: “5
cents,” I have seen in more than one car repair
establishment, a sign stating the Labor Price Per Hour with
prices that increase in increments “if you watch”, “if
you ask questions” or “if you offer advice”, the
latter being the most expensive. I created my own sign:
Optical services fees:
Order and delivery: Included with
frame/lens price COD
Eyewear Adjustments $2.00 up to 15
minutes;
Non Optical Topicals:
Psychological Counseling: $1 per minute
Advice: $2.00 per minute
Grousing: $3.00 per minute
Griping: Dial 1-800-GETAGRP
Payment in Advance
Opting Out Optypically
Just as all who have booed and hissed are
not Buddhists, not all Muslims wear muslin, not all
Calvinists read Calvin & Hobbs, not all baptized
converts are Baptists, not all method actors are Methodists,
nor Catheters used exclusively by Catholics, Presbyopia is
not a religious belief of Presbyterians. Nor is MACular
Degeneration a decrease in craving for drive-thru fast food.
